Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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