It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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