You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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