Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
