Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
