can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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