Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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