Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
