true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
