We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
