i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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