Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
