Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm experimenting with sincerity
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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