Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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