It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
