Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
