On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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