If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
