This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
