Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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