I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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