He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
