just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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