just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
