Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
