All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
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Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
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I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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