awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
