I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Two words: nipple clamps
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