I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
