the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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