I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
