mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I wear drunk well.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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