You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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