Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
