God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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