Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
