addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
