So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
