Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
