he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
