I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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