My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
The air taste purple.
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