Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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