Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
