Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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