I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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