Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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