yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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