no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
