i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize