Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
