I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
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Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
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Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot