Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He passed out mid-signature
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.