you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober