I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
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I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
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When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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