i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The uberlube is also flammable
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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