He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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