I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Bring me that man meat
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
