Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhhâ€
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