i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
