ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
