its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
