you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
nutella sex= disaster
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
