Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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