Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
